It’s true that for some survivors, moving forward can feel daunting, and they may sometimes feel compelled to return to their abuser. This can be frustrating for loved ones who desperately want to see them thrive, but taking a firm stance of accountability balanced with empathy can sometimes be the push they need to make lasting changes. Here are ways to encourage survivors to break free from the cycle of excuses and procrastination, helping them take control of their lives and futures.
1. Reframe Excuses as Challenges to Overcome
Gently Point Out Excuses: When they start making excuses, try to reframe them. For example, if they say, “But they’ve changed,” you could respond, “What has really changed in the relationship to make you feel safe?” This can prompt them to think critically about their reasoning without being defensive.
Shift the Focus to Solutions: Encourage them to look for solutions rather than obstacles. If they say, “I can’t do this alone,” respond with, “You don’t have to. Let’s figure out who can support you or what resources can help.” This way, they can see that overcoming challenges is possible with a support system.
2. Encourage Personal Accountability in a Supportive Way
Empower Them to Take Ownership: Gently but firmly remind them that their future is in their hands. Say something like, “Only you have the power to decide what your life will look like. Every decision you make either takes you closer to freedom or back to pain.”
Ask About Their Long-Term Goals: Help them see the bigger picture by focusing on their dreams and goals. Ask, “Where do you see yourself in a year if you keep moving forward?” This can help them realize that every choice impacts their journey toward a better life.
3. Challenge Procrastination as Self-Sabotage
Encourage Small, Immediate Actions: Procrastination often happens because the overall task feels overwhelming.
Suggest small steps they can take immediately, such as finding a new hobby, connecting with a support group, or scheduling a counseling session. Each step forward can build momentum.
Highlight the Cost of Inaction: Help them understand that staying stuck is also a decision with consequences.
Say something like, “Every day you put this off, it takes a little more strength to leave. Imagine how free you’ll feel once you start taking action.”
4. Help Them Build a Strong Internal “Why”
Explore Their Reasons for Leaving: If they start to waver, ask them why they left in the first place. Remind them of the pain, fear, and instability they endured, as well as their initial reasons for wanting freedom.
Encourage Them to Prioritize Self-Respect: They may need to develop self-worth as a primary motivator. Say, “You deserve to live a life where you’re respected, safe, and at peace.” Help them focus on achieving a life that aligns with their self-worth.
5. Encourage Them to Take Responsibility for Their Happiness
Emphasize That True Change Comes from Within: Remind them that happiness can’t be dependent on an abusive person’s behavior. Say, “Real peace and happiness come from your own choices, not from waiting for someone else to change.”
Ask Them What They’re Doing for Themselves: If they aren’t taking steps to rebuild their life, ask them what they’re doing to bring joy, peace, or stability. This can shift their perspective from focusing on the past to creating a future.
6. Be Honest and Direct When Necessary
Use Tough Love When Needed: Sometimes, they need to hear a firm message. Say, “This is your chance to create a new life. By going back, you’re giving up your chance at freedom.” This type of statement can be uncomfortable but may resonate with them.
Challenge Magical Thinking: If they believe their abuser will change, remind them of the history. Say, “You’ve given them multiple chances, and they haven’t changed. This is an opportunity to create real change for yourself.”
7. Teach Resilience by Focusing on Their Strengths
Remind Them of Their Successes: Bring up any positive steps they’ve already taken, no matter how small.
“Remember when you were strong enough to leave? That strength is still in you.”
Encourage Growth Mindset: Help them see setbacks as part of growth, not reasons to go back. Say, “Every challenge you overcome is making you stronger. This journey is about becoming who you were always meant to be.”
8. Redirect Their Focus to Personal Goals
Set Future Milestones Together: Help them set personal milestones, whether it’s finding a stable job, finishing school, or joining a community group. Focusing on future goals can help prevent the urge to go back.
Encourage a Vision for Independence: Ask them what life would look like if they stayed on this path of freedom and self-respect. What would they accomplish? How would they feel?
9. Combat Feelings of Dependence
Encourage Practical Independence Skills: If financial or emotional dependence keeps drawing them back, encourage them to build new skills. This can range from budgeting to self-care practices.
Reinforce That They Can Thrive Alone: If they say they can’t do it alone, remind them that they’ve already shown resilience by leaving. Say, “You’ve already done something incredibly brave by leaving. You’ve shown you can make hard choices and move forward.”
10. Stay Consistent and Patient
Be a Steady Source of Support: Survivors need a consistent presence to keep moving forward. Regularly check in, provide encouragement, and remind them of their own strength without being pushy.
Use Firm Encouragement When They’re Wavering: If they start slipping back into old patterns, gently but firmly remind them why they chose to leave. Reiterate that by going back, they’re giving up on the potential for peace and safety.
Suggested Phrases to Empower and Push Forward:
“You are worthy of a life free from fear. Don’t let anything take that away.”
“Staying away is hard, but each day you’re closer to the freedom you deserve.”
“No matter what anyone else says or does, your happiness is in your hands now.”
“You’ve come this far—keep going. You have everything it takes to keep moving forward.”
“You’re not a victim anymore. You’re a survivor, and you have control of your own life.”
Encouraging a survivor to stop making excuses and take full ownership of their future requires a blend of empathy, honesty, and a firm reminder of their own power. With the right support and continued encouragement, they can be reminded that a brighter, independent life awaits if they just keep moving forward.
Thank you for reading and hopefully someone somewhere will find this beneficial and helpful. The more signs you see, the more likely that person’s life is in danger. Be inquisitive. Be supportive. Trust your instincts!
